Thank you for calling Eezee PZ Logistics Incorporated. At Eezee PZ, our people make the difference. Have you heard about our latest small package Drone delivery service? We can get your package right on someone’s doorstep without being shot down. Leave the flying to us. Or try out our new Driverless Truck service. We will get your shipments to anyplace in North America on time with a well-rested operator. That’s enough to put an emoticon on anyone’s face! Make sure you ask about our new Robot Swamper service, or our new Escort service with a fleet of Google cars that can show you the status of your shipment from any angle.
Be sure to listen carefully as our auto-attendant system has been recently upgraded by a technician hired after a short stint at McDonald’s.
To find out how much money you owe us – Press 1
To place an order – Press 2
To place an order for our services in the next month – Press 3
To place an order for an annual contract – Press 604-555-5555 – to get the President’s cellphone. He’ll immediately come over and wash your car.
To get an update on the status of your shipment, put your right leg behind your neck and hit the ampersand sign on your smartphone with your big toe.
If this is some sort of stupid general inquiry that we haven’t thought about before – be sure to check out our website for our exciting list of FAQ questions and answers. We put this list together with the help of four first graders from Renfrew Elementary, and desperate customers just like you.
Click on www.doyoureallythinkwewanttotalktoyouaboutyourproblems.net.
Or if you want to talk to a live operator now, hit the ‘~’ sign on your keyboard, and dial 1-800-Outsource and we will connect you directly with our Urdanese speaking call center in eastern Khalistan province.
‘Operator is standing by………….the phone…..nearby………….like across the room’
Or you can hit # now and talk directly to our virtual assistant CorSiri.”
“Hi, I am CorSiri. What do you want to do today?”
“I want to talk to my Dispatcher”
“Ooo-kay. You said that you wanted to talk to Margaret Thatcher. Is that correct?”
“Not Thatcher……… Dispatcher”
“CorSiri didn’t hear that. Are you still there?”
“Yes, I am still here. I just want to my &^%$ing dispatcher”
“Ooo-kay………so you are interested in our new RoadKing Service. Let’s start. Can you give me the name of the company you are calling from”
“Is that the number 3? or the word?”
“The number – 3”
“Sorry, but your company name must be a combination of at least 8 alpha-numeric characters, one that is capitalized, along with one character that is found on the third level keyboard configuration on your Android phone”
“Okay….then my company name is 3 – M- right parentheses- left parentheses -exclamation mark – plus sign – ampersand – ampersand – percentage sign – greater than sign”
“Great, we have your file up now. What is the destination city for your shipment?”
“Ooo-kay. We are bringing up the details of your shipment now. Which one of our specialized tracking services did you want to use. Our satellite tracking service, our cell tower tracking service, or the 10 scarecrows with barcode scanners scattered across cornfields en route?”
“Um….satellite………..of course, satellite”
“Did you want to get and update on the Elephant, on the Zebra, on the Puma, or on the Anteater?””
“ I- JUST- WANT –SOMEONE- WHO- CAN –TELL- ME – THE –STATUS-OF- MY SHIPMENT………SO- I -CAN –GET- MY -HANDS -AROUND –SOMEONE’S- NECK-IF- IT’S- GOING- TO –BE- LATE”
“Ooo-kay. We are pulling up all the records of shipments going to the Zoo in Schenectady, New York…
“Thank you for calling Eezee PZ Logistics Incorporated. At Eezee PZ , our people make the difference. Have you heard about our latest small package Drone service? We can get your package right on someone’s doorstep without being shot down. Leave the flying to us. Or try out our new Driverless Truck service and we will get your shipments to anyplace in North American on time – enough to put an emoticon on anyone’s face. Make sure you ask about our new Robot Swamper service, or our new Escort service with a fleet of Google cars that can show you the status of your shipment from any angle
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