“Thanks for coming in, what would you like”
“I’ll have a slice of that Hawaiian, please.”
“So, do you want a small, medium, or large?”
“Well… I actually I just want a slice… and a soda as well. How much is it? I didn’t see your price for a slice.”
“Oh, sorry sir, but we um… um… we don’t sell pizza by the slice here.”
“Really?”
“Really, yes, if you want really good pizza, with all the toppings, you really need to buy a whole pizza.”
“Why?”
“Well sir, I know the guys at SaaS Pizza will tell you that their slices of pizza work just as good, but it really isn’t as good. There aren’t as many toppings. At Client Server Pizza, we work hard to make sure we get you just the right pizza for your stomach. I have group of folks in the back that will come out and measure the volume of your stomach, the velocity of your digestion – but only so far – and then we have you complete a questionnaire on your eating habits and body chemistry. Before we do that, do you mind if I ask you a few questions first?”
“Will it take long?”
“Well it depends – but the first part of my questioning at Client Server pizza revolves around us determining whether we are a good fit – whether we really want you as a customer.”
“Want me as a customer? Heck, I don’t even know if I want your pizza!”
“It’s just a minute or so.”
“Okay then.”
“Are you the only one going to eat the pizza or are there others?”
“Well, there is my wife, my daughter and my teenage son – better make it a large.”
“I can understand. That brings up a good question. How many slices does your family usually eat at one sitting?”
“Um… I’d say about 16.”
“Oh sir, you are probably going to need at least two large pizzas then. Are you the only one that is going to make the decision as to what type of pizza you will eat or is there anyone else involved?”
“I said that I was married, right?”
“Right, sorry about that. Do you foresee any serving problems arising as you make the transition from lunch to dinner? I could have my team come in, and assess the dynamics of your kitchen and dining room, your utensil drawer, even your dishwasher – it would just take about 8-hours – and then we would come back to you with a solution.”
“A solution?”
“Sir, we are talking about pizza here. We must analyze and map your dining and eating processes and then we come back to you with a plan for how to set up the chairs, the table, and moving the table settings from the kitchen to the dining room then into the dishwasher and back to their shelves.”
“I never thought of it that way. Do you charge for doing all that?”
“No sir, that’s part of our solution.”
“Well then how much is the pizza by itself?”
“Again sir, it’s part of a total solution.”
“This seems rather complex, doesn’t it?”
“Well sir, pizza selection and eating are much more complex than meets the eye. Some folks come in here looking for a slice to determine whether they in fact would like a pizza. They might buy a piece for one of their other family members, try it and see if they like it first… and it goes on and on and on. Nothing gets done, and I ask them ‘did you have a really good meal – like did you like the Hawaiian?’ and…”
But what if they don’t? What if they try a slice and they change their mind. Or one of my kids leaves home? What if I need a smaller one?
“Don’t worry sir; you are all covered by our Pizza Maintenance program”
“You have a Pizza Maintenance program?”
“Oh yes sir. Say your Pizza costs you like $100 per week.”
“What do you mean by $100 per week?”
“Well sir, we deliver you a Hawaiian pizza each week for 52 weeks and then we update the pizza – say you want some bacon on it… everyone wants bacon these days… and we change the recipe every year – you can get some of the mushrooms and veggies adjusted quarterly.”
“On my Ham and Pineapple?”
“Oh… I was talking about the House Special sir… um… like you might like the odd mushroom or double cheese. So anyway, we just charge you $20 per week to keep on working on your pizza – that’s only 20% – and in one year you get the new updated recipe!”
“But what if our tastes change? What if we have guests? What if my wife becomes lactose intolerant? What if I want to cancel or get new type of pizza?”
“Finished.”
“What do you mean ‘Finished’?”
“We are all done sir. I really don’t think that you are a particularly good fit for us. Your pizza selection and dining needs aren’t quite up to the level of our offering. Perhaps you should head over to SaaS Pizza 99 down the road. You can get a slice of a variety of pizzas there for $99 cents. Best of luck sir.”