And the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor goes to …
‘Ben Affleck… in CARGO!’
I knew he’d get it. He just had to get those 7 loads out of Iran right after the student- led revolution against the Shah. Staying at the Canadian embassy and all – helping them get out of the country as part of a Canadian movie – god, have you ever watched a Canadian movie? He was teaching them how to say ‘eh’ correctly, and how to say, ‘How’s it going hose-head?”
And the Oscar for Best Director goes to …
Steven Soderbergh in…TRAFFIC.
“You see, you see…it’s a problem everywhere. We just don’t have the infrastructure in place to rebuild our highways and bridges. And it’s all Congress’ fault you know…there is gridlock in the Capitol, which means there is gridlock on our roads. He probably can’t even make it to the show to get his awards because he is caught…yep…you betcha…he is caught up in traffic!”
And the Oscar for Best Foreign Film goes to
“BRIDGE of SPIES”.
“You see, you see…they are just too many damn cameras on the bridges. They take a picture of you, and then the send you a fine for violating ‘this, that and the other’ law. And then, they post it on the website so customers can shop for you like they go to Yelp for restaurant review.s”
And the Oscar for Best Animated Feature goes to
Disney for CARS!
“Ya right, like they don’t cause enough problems already, weaving in and out of traffic, trying to pass on the Left Side…or on the Suicide! Someone, somebody please tell them to be patient. How they could ever give them an Oscar award, I will never know.”
And the Oscar for Best Foreign Film goes to
CROUCHING TIRE, HIDDEN CHARGES
“You see, you see…there is always something extra, and if you forget to tell him about the accessorial charges and then add it later to the invoice, well, the son-of-a-gun kicks it back to you and then you have to wait another 30 days to get paid.”
And the Oscar for Best Animated Short goes to
“Sure, it’s the Regulators turn this year. They even certified the ballots for the Oscars…and then they go on to suspend my trucking operations for my violations. No second chances, no sympathy…those…those…I guess the title it says it all.”
And the Oscar for Best New Movie goes to…
DJANGO TIRES UNCHAINED
“For sure, you won’t be able to make it through the mountain pass and find his way to freedom on the other side of the hill…but I know the driver will go crazy if he can get there.”
And the Oscar for Safe Driving by a Trucker goes to
THE DEER HUNTER
“What do you mean ‘hunt’ them? You just have to avoid them all. It’s crazy out there…and the Moose, the Moose could kill ya…not to mention the Armadillos.”
And the Oscar for Best Adventure Film for a Trucker goes to
LIFE of PETERBUILT
“And then the trucker ends up in a boat with a DOT auditor, his banker, and his ex-wife…and decides he can’t take it anymore…and then he jumps onto a frikin’ life raft behind the boat and stays there for 6 weeks and tries to survive. And then, when he returns, he ends up at a bar with his buddies and lies about the whole thing because they won’t believe him…it’s wild, it’s crazy!”
And the Oscar for Best Special Effects goes to
“Old Truck Stops…that’s the problem these days…old truck stops…it’s just not good…we need something more modern. More services, more locations where truckers can actually rest and not get eaten by crazy Dinosaurs running through the parking lots…”
And the Oscar for Best Driving Performance by an Actor crossing Interstate lines goes to
Jerry Reed in CONVOY
“I told you, I told you – he totally deserved it! It’s tough to get all those guys to follow you across state lines past a barricade of Smokies, using that old CB technology…Breaker, Breaker…We got us a Convoy…yippee…finally…some good news here!”
And the Oscar for Best Supporting Driver goes to..
LAWRENCE of SUBURBIA
“Driver shortages…I hope he can lead a whole group of drivers from the middle eastern states– like Ohio, Pennsylvania, Vermont. It’s not often you get a guy like Larry from the neighborhood – dependable, honest. But it’s like you have to like travel across the desert – there and back …… just so hard find a solid driver these days”
And the Oscar for Best Picture goes to ..
GONE with THE WIND … GONE with THE WIND … GONE with THE WIND …GONE with THE TAILWIND … GONE with THE TAILWIND … GONE with THE TAILWIND … GONE with THE TAILWIND …
…Dad, dad… wake up…the Academy Awards are starting. Chris Rock is going to start his monologue, you don’t want to miss that. D-a-a-d…I really think you are working too hard at your new trucking software gig. You have to get more sleep. You were muttering some really weird stuff on the couch. Hey look, there’s Leonardo DiCaprio.”
“Is that one of the new Developers?”
Share this Post