A Weigh with Words

Murray Pratt Blog, Humor Leave a Comment

<siren blares>

“Pull over, pull over…”

….Hello sir. You were going 23 words per minute in a 60 words per minute zone”

“Um..ah…um…….I didn’t know that they had typing speed limits on the Information Highway. I was just minding my own business blogging …wasn’t really aware of it. Is there sign somewhere?”

“Well, you were holding up a bunch of better bloggers- people with better ideas who could type faster –  and it created a big mess back at the intersection of ideas and inspiration”

“I am truly sorry……..offi……offic…..officer? Who are you with anyways?”

“The ‘RCBP’ –  The Royal Canadian Blogging Police. You have also been wandering in and out of your blogging lanes. One day you write blogs about GPS and trucking software, and the next day we get weird blogs about a Ken & Barbie trucking company, or some arcane song by Meatloaf – ‘Pair of Dice’ by the whatever’

Well, I do have to be creative sir. It’s not like people wake up in the morning wanting to read stories about great software code and the latest improvements in truck engines. You have to capture their imagination with something – give ‘em a laugh, a guffaw or two, perhaps the odd snicker- without being too formulaic”

“Well, either way, I will need to see your Blog Registration, your Creative License and your Loaded Word confirmation”

“I actually don’t have any of that this morning officer. I am sorry, I forgot to bring it with me……I usually have it in the drawer at my desk……….and….”

“Listen, you just seem so distracted this morning, blogging all over the place, weaving in and out of lanes of thought. I ought to give you a citation for blogging without a creative license.”

“Sorry officer – it’s just that I have other duties at Tailwind software beyond just blogging”

“Thank god for that”

“Ha.ha…..I like the levity officer. But I also have to sell. Sometimes the phone rings and I have a customer who is calling to find out more about our dispatch software and our freight brokerage software and I have to answer their questions. I also manage a bit too. And of course I have to update my database with this information”

“I understand. But I don’t want you talking on the phone while you are blogging. We have ‘distracted blogging’ laws in Alberta and I could give you another ticket. How big is your blog this morning? I was warned that you might be out here this morning trying to get an early start and try to sneak an overloaded blog by us.”

“I don’t really know sir. I just go to the dock at Tailwind software – specifically the marketing department – you know the guys -nice suits, cool haircuts, no dirt under their fingernails – well, they load a bunch of words and phrases in my head and then tell me to blog. I think I have 20 skids here – 3 are vowels, 4 consonants, 5 phrases, 5 clauses, 1 predicate nominative. Oh……the really long one is a paragraph…….and …ah…yes…….oh, right……I have one skid of exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Sounds like you might be overloaded with words this morning sir. I am going to take you over to our ‘weigh with words’ scale and see how much you weigh. What’s the tare on your blog?

“About ¼ ounce……….but if you add about 1,000 words it can get up to about ½ an ounce. Depends on how deep and heavy my thinking is that day”

“I am just going to take a walk around your blog – I want to see if your keyboard is in good operating condition”
“You’re not going to post my keyboard scale on the internet are you? No one will ask me for a blog again if I end up with a bad score.”

“Hey……..hit the ‘F’ on your keyboard.

‘S’

“Try it again………….hit the ‘F’ six times

‘S’ ‘S’ ‘S’ ‘S’ ‘S’ ‘S’

“Sorry you have a blog safety violation. Your ‘F’ key has a malfunction”

“Oh Suck”

“Hey, hey……..no need to be swearing like a blogger. There are women and children on the Internet too you know”

“I am sorry officer, but sometimes the weight of the world seems to be upon my shoulders. There is all that selling, managing and of course all my blogging duties. If you looked at my office now you would see vowels and consonants strewn all over the place..some dangling participles hanging from the ceiling that nobody can help me with.”

“Okay…….sounds like you need a break. You need to feel the wind at your back. I am just going to give you a warning today. But you do need to get the keyboard fixed and confirm that with your local RCBP office by the end of the month. You might also think about getting some blogging software. But for right now, you will need to take out one of your skids from the blog to lighten the some of your weighty ideas. I think a  paragraph will need to go”

“This paragraph”

“Yes…..that could work. Or, it could be any of them actually”

“But if I took this one, the whole denouement of my blog might be gone. No one would have any sense of resolution or purpose to my blog. On the other hand, if I took out the one in the beginning that mentions the RCBG….no one will understand the premise or the metaphor for the whole thing”

“Okay then,  just get rid of the skid of exclamations marks!!!!! You don’t need them as much!!!”

“Wow. That’s amazing. Terrific”

“Blog safely. Oh, by the way, you are going to come to a dead-end down-a-ways on the information highway. One of the Republican candidates for President got them to close down parts of the Internet. Best to take your blog on the detour”

“No problem……..I always do”

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