A GPS For Blogging

Murray Pratt Blog, Humor Leave a Comment

In the Monty Python movie, the ‘Life of Brian,’ the main character in the movie, Brian (of course), is being chased through the marketplace by Roman Centurions who think he is the Messiah. Brian is not crazy about this situation, because he had no intention of becoming a messiah. He was mistakenly identified as such, and since then, he had been dealing with all the negative and positive aspects of his new position in life.

To escape the ‘bad guys’ he jumps up on a pedestal trying to fit in with  a bunch of other speakers standing on pedestals in the marketplace and starts to compete with them by reciting scripture in the hopes that he is mistaken for one of the many prophets and not the messiah.

A lady in the village shouts (it helps if you say it with a high -pitched British accent).

“He’s just making it up as he goes along!”

The gig was up, the chase was back on for Brian and the soldiers.

I get asked all the time.

‘Murray, how do you know come up with blog topics……..and how do you know what to write?’

Well, I don’t. (Many of you are probably not surprised by that I am guessing)

When I start a blog- I just start writing. I don’t know where it’s going to end up. No Stop Sign, Speed Limits – sort of like a Blog Highway to Hell!

It’s like showing up at the dock and picking up the load from your customers’ warehouse and saying

‘I got it – thanks’, and heading out with no destination.

Behind you the Shipper shouting, “but I forgot to give you the bill of lading”.

And it helps more if you don’t have a GPS system, and you also lost your smartphone down the side of the sofa as you fell asleep during those final crucial moments of the big football game on TV the night before. And you even slept through the sports highlights show hours later…….can’t even check them on the phone today. Grrr.

So I when I blog it’s like I am driving with a load and taking it nowhere in particular. I am not really worried about a destination, and of course, without a destination for the blog, I don’t have to worry where to send it and when to get it there.

I can even add a bunch of useless words, or put in a series of meaningless sentences like this one…… sentences which doesn’t get me any closer to my point. I could go on to add a bunch of additional phrases, and a clause, WHICH pretty well accomplishes the same thing. In fact, I could pretty well put together a whole paragraph comprised with a bunch of aimless words that get me no closer to the point of my blog than when I started in back in ancient Rome. I might even think about adding some ‘onomatopoeia’ into the paragraph and take all of my readers for a ride! Wheeee!

But, and this is a big ‘but’, if I inserted a Palindrome into the paragraph that might help. Say I chose the palindrome ‘noon’.  That is I needed to get the blog there by Noon. And if I added a destination city that had a Palindrome name like Ward Draw. Ward Draw is located in South Dakota. Well, if I did that …well…well…….I just might find a point for this blog some 15 paragraphs into it. Now that I have a ‘location’, and a ‘time’, that I have to complete and deliver my blog, I am feeling so much more purposeful.

So if I get the Consignee location for my blog then I can go to my new ‘blog GPS system’ – say ‘WordiTracs’ – and find the shortest most optimal route for my blog – probably need some tarps to hold down all those extra words – and an additional police escort for protection from  all the angry readers who now asking

‘Why I am following this blogging load of crap up to South Dakota, when I got better things to do’

But think of it. Now we have a destination for this blog we can find a safe route for the blog, choose a route that optimizes our word usage and keeps my editor updated along the way with my progress so we can keep the publisher informed as when the blog will be completed. Ideally the blog arrives on time, at the right place – with a point – and there isn’t any word dmagea…..oops …word damage as it gets unloaded.

Hey, wouldn’t it be a great idea if someone came up with some Blogging Software that tells you where and when you should start the Blog, when and where should end the Blog, track the number of words that were used, automatically send the finished article to the editor, and then automatically send the blogger a GIGANTIC paycheck for all of his amazing writing……..less of course, deductions the fees the publisher paid for the Tarp and the Police escorts, and less the advances given to the blogger for his use of a computer, keyboard, desk…….chair…….lunchroom…………benefits……salary………

Hmm. I think I would rather just see if we could find some trucking software with a GPS integration module and see if we can re-purpose it for my blogs. Could save me a lot of time and finger cramps.

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